At one point on New Year’s Day, in a fit of zeal to create yet more order, I found myself lying on the floor cleaning out old wadded up Kleenex and a dense mat of cat hair that had accumulated under the bed (obviously beyond the reach of the vacuum cleaner, and yes, I am not a compulsive cleaner)

So there I was, lying on the floor, arm extended as far as possible, neck awkwardly cricked as I clawed and raked up the cat hair with my hand, compliments of Guy and Chloe, my two spoiled gorgeous long-haired cats.. Not coincidentally, as I was doing this, I was thinking about and feeling down about what I haven’t accomplished yet though have certainly intended.

I guess this habit comes from being Jewish and growing up with the significance of the ten days that begin with Rosh Hashanah, which marks the Jewish New Year, and ends with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

On the Day of Atonement, we seek to become at-one with ourselves and others for the ways we have missed the mark in the previous year. So it can be a time of mourning (even in small ways), giving ourselves forgiveness and seeking forgiveness from others, and subsequently, it serves as a cleansing. It is this cleansing that allows us to begin anew.

But where was I, oh yes, I was on the floor….when I realized what a great metaphor it was to be finding the floor again at this moment in the year when it is our collective obsession to think about new beginnings.

I mean it really felt good, crouching and lying in these awkward positions yet determined to clear out the gunk. Yom Kippur as the Day of At-Onement is all about paying attention to the details. [Not having a habit of yoga, but having done enough of it over the years to know, I think it’s fair to say that being on the floor like this was a kind of yoga.]

So here’s a secret of mine…I know this may sound a little weird but finding the floor is an ongoing life preoccupation of mine.

If there’s any possibility you’ve had less than perfect parenting (despite their best intentions of course), then you may have some holes in your floor or gunk (as in the form of relational, mental, emotional, energetic if not actually physical stuff) making it hard for you to find the floor.

I certainly do, and at times, I suddenly have this panicky feeling that I’ve fallen through the floor, and am quickly being swallowed up by a pit of quicksand. Now even though I’m trained as a psychiatrist (one of my many identities), I’m not sure just how many others have this particular experience, but I know I can’t be the only person who mostly always looks like I have it all together, yet inside we’re still wondering who the heck we are, or who we want to be when we grow up.  [At this point, however, I can unequivocally say that I have never wanted to think of myself as Ms. Peter Pan-nette].

My point is, that sometimes you really have to get back on the floor, clawing away the dirt, the muck, the cat hair, or whatever form of crud is keeping you from experiencing the solidity of your own floor to get back to that clarity and knowing of who you really are, your own solidity. You’ve got to get real. [I have always loved this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit]

And first, of course, you’ve got to look under the bed and to acknowledge that yes, indeedy, there is dirt [aka negativity] there - under the bed - where no one can see it but you.

In order to be a conscious human being, which has always been one of my aspirations (doubtless a legacy of being a child of the 60’s), you simply have to take the time to remember who you are, the Soul You, not the Personality-Wounded You.  And yet, at the same time, you have to acknowledge and have compassion for the Personality-Wounded You.

Connecting to the self, like vacuuming the floor including under the bed (sigh), is an ongoing discipline. It’s a mindfulness practice.

[This is kind of like going to the doctor, and being told that if you really want to feel good, you need to stop eating Kentucky Fried Chicken, stop smoking and caffeine (even if you're macrobiotic), eat lots of vegetables, and start exercising at least 3 times a week.  Now. Right. But hopefully, sooner or later, the pain of what’s not working requires us to let go of the old, accrued, gunk that keeps us from being the best we can be]

Some resistance is normal until, the new habit kicks in, and then, there’s typically a profound sense of relief and well-being that starts to feed on itself. That’s what we’re all looking for, right? More ease, more well-being, whatever those mean to you.

And of course, it’s very possible you will continue to feel resistance, and that’s okay as long as the resistance doesn’t become the habit.

Most of my clients and friends, know what practices keep them connected to who they are, that serve as their floor that supports them. For one, it’s playing her violin. For another it’s meditation and yoga. For another, it’s journaling. For me, I have come to learn that it’s exercise, meditation, and writing.

I talked in my last post about being in the flow, but to have flow, first you gotta get real and have at the floor!

I’d love to hear how you stay connected to who you are!

Tags: Healing, Moving forward, Psyche yoga, Psychiatry

This entry was posted on Friday, January 2nd, 2009 at 1:07 pm and is filed under Getting Real. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.